scripted_sra: Mike, Sam, and Fi, in suits, standing and looking badass. (stephen colbert: 50% puppy)
Sara ([personal profile] scripted_sra) wrote2009-07-21 05:48 am

MIX: Fake News (both) | Which Stephen Am I? | PG-13 | Gen

Title: Which Stephen Am I?
Fandom: Fake News (both)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None.
Summary: There are a lot of Stephens. Shouldn't they all get fanmix love?
Disclaimer: All copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. This work is not created for profit and constitutes fair use. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: I have had this idea for months now, but it finally decided to fall into place. Yay.


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Enter stage left: Stephen Colbert, actor, comedian, all around well-adjusted person.

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American Child; Phil Vassar
I was ten, I was thin,
I was playing first base
With a secondhand glove and dirt on my face
In nowhere, Virginia
Who'd ever figure that kid in the yard would go very far
It was 419 Lakewood , had no silverspoons
Just an old beat up upright that played out of tune
Now I'm singin' and living the life that I love
And when I count my blessings I thank God I was
An American child

Seven pounds, three ounces, she's got my nose
And she's into my heart as deep as it goes
With a promise that's more than just someone's last name


He’s a nerd at heart.

D&D; Stephen Lynch
I got my twelve sided die
And I'm ready to roll with a wizard and my goblin crew.
My friends are comin' over to my mom's basement
Bringin' funions and a mountain dew.

(I got a big broad sword made out of cardboard
And that stereo's a-pumpin Zeppelin.
It's that time of the night we turn on the black light
Let the dungeons and the dragons begin.)

It's D and D!
Fighting with the legends of yore.
It's D and D!
Never kissed lady before. (Nope!) Whoo!

Now the Lord of the Rings, the dark crystal and things.
We use these as a reference tool.
And when we put on our cloaks and tell warlock jokes
We're the coolest kids at the school...
(No we're not.)
I know.


Thoughtfully religious, intelligent, affable, and likeable. That’s just the beginning.

We Shall Be Free; Garth Brooks
This ain't comin' from no prophet
Just an ordinary man
When I close my eyes I see
The way this world shall be
When we all walk hand in hand

When the last child cries for a crust of bread
When the last man dies for just words that he said
When there's shelter over the poorest head
We shall be free

When the last thing we notice is the color of skin
And the first thing we look for is the beauty within
When the skies and the oceans are clean again
Then we shall be free


Eventually he starts at The Daily Show. That’s when his character first emerges. He’s pretty screwed up, but not quite fully formed.

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Fake It; Seether
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way
Yeah

Good god, you're coming up with reasons
Good god, you're dragging it out
Good god, it's the changing of the seasons

And just fake it if you're out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong here
Fake it if you feel like affection
Woah, you're such a fucking hypocrite

And you should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way


That changes when he gets his own show.

Ladies and Gentlemen; Hot Hot Heat
He's a gentleman who plays a caricature
Of a character he wishes he was
So lately we've been ignoring all his stories
As we smile and nod and let him simply do what he does
So watch out

And everybody's got the same story:
We never wanted him here
He showed up anyway
He never would leave us alone
We never wanted him here
He showed up anyway
But maybe that's okay

Soon this gentleman was barking louder
When his biting harder didn't earn him respect


Enter stage right: conservative, character Stephen. A well-intentioned, poorly-informed, high-status idiot. He has a pretty big market on damage. In life...

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Fairy Tales and Castles; Lifehouse
He says his head is filled with
Cartoons and fairy tales
And he's trapped inside a dungeon of dolls
With smiles on their faces

He's built a pretty cage
His show's on a beautiful stage
With candy coated prison bars
And chains that look like jewelry

‘Cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
And his throne of ice is melting
He climbed his ladder
There was nothing there
Now it's a long way down


...in love...

Broken; Lifehouse
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning; you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life


...in politics.

Political Science; Randy Newman
They don't respect us, so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them

Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too


Oh, excellent. As it turns out, we get a bonus visit from Esteban Colberto. Looks like he and “Stephen” are talking about immigration.

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Immigration Song; Second City
[Esteban:]
Let me live in the land of the free
Where at lunch I can get plastic surgery
A place where the only the rich survive
And there’s a Starbucks with another Starbucks inside!

I beg of you, on bended knee
Just don’t take away this chance form me!

[Stephen:]
My family founded this great country
We’ve been here since 1933
You don’t deserve the rights we enjoy
You can’t walk right in and become a busboy!

Maybe I have a graduate degree
Just don’t take away these jobs from me!


“Stephen”, of course, is not the only character. Enter stage left: another offshoot—liberal, character Stephen. Interestingly enough, he’s got just as much damage to deal with.

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Down To Earth; Barenaked Ladies
Some people are just all show
Well, I don't mind that if the show is worth watching
But it's all bark and no tree
What's more ironic than a hippie in Versace?
It's all peace and love and limousines
You got the right message, but the wrong intentions
How can you be touchy-feely when you've lost touch?
I think it's time we had a little intervention with you

Now you really wanna show her
How she's just so down to Earth
(Via satellite)


Like his conservative counterpart, he goes overboard. Where the conservative version has too many boundaries, he has none.

P.D.A. (We Just Don’t Care); John Legend
If we keep up on this fooling around
We'll be the talk of the town
I'll tell the world I'm in love any time
Let's open up the blinds 'cause we really don't mind

Ooh I don't care about the propriety
Let's break the rules and ignore society
Maybe our neighbors like to spy, it's true
So what if they watch when we do what we do


And he happily jumps off the deep-end of the other end of the political spectrum.

To Be A Liberal; Roy Zimmerman
I had to learn to speak French, Spanish, Hindi, and dolphin
Just so I could relate.
I’m exhausted from taxing and spending,
And controlling the media, and hiding my agenda,
And ruling San Francisco as a separatist nation-state.
And in yoga today, I got bent out of shape
‘Cause the guy doing bow-pulling pulls in front of me was intolerant
Which I hate!

Do you know how hard it is
to be a liberal?
Well, do ya?


That leads us to the next character. Enter stage right: happy, character Stephen. This version’s more well-adjusted, to be sure, but you might just get a cavity after talking to him for ten minutes. And you might want to shield your eyes away from his clothing.

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Love Heals; RENT
There are those who shield their hearts
And those who quit before they start
Who've frozen up the part of them that feels
(Don't freeze your heart)

In the dark,
They've lost their sight
Like a ship without a star in the night,
But hold on tight

Love heals


Did I mention he was flaming? Yeah.

Gay Boyfriend; The Hazzards
Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I don't really care that you are queer
Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend
I never feel lonely when you are near

One, two, ready go
You cry at movies, on our dates
Romantic comedies sure are great
But when you're sad I'll dry your tears
'Cos I'll always think that you are fierce


As you can see, things can get a little crowded very quickly. Don’t worry.
You get used to it.

Lucky 4 U; SHeDAISY
You always said that I have multiple personalities
I bounce around somewhere between my dreams and reality

Number 5 just cries a river a minute
7 wants to tie you up and drown you in it
Yeah, 14 just wants to say so long, bygones
32 wants to do things to you that'll make you blush
10 would key the El Camino that you love so much
And there ain't nobody wants to mess with 23


Download link.


Enjoy!